This Week's Contest: Two of the above cartoons are related in some way. Which two, and how? First-prize winner gets a copy of "Dear President Johnson," a 1964 book of kids' cute letters to the president, illustrated by Charles M. Schulz. Believe it or not, it's pretty funny. ("Dear Mr. President: Please write and tell me everything about your whole life. I need it for school. It can't be more than 100 words counting the title and 'by Lyndon Johnson.' Best Wishes, Marlys W., Bridgeport, Conn.")

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, May 6. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week CXIV,

where we gave you six witticisms and asked you take the first letters of their words in sequence and use them as the first letters of the words of a brand-new witticism. The originals: "Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you." "An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." "They call television a medium because nothing's well done." And: "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' till you can find a rock." This was, in our judgment, the hardest contest ever. We expected few if any usable entries. We got plenty, including the astonishing first runner-up, written as a double-dactyl poem, and the winner, which uses the first five witticisms in sequence.

{diam}Fifth Runner-Up: Afghan evidence provides Israel's least likely acolyte: Yes, Osama's Jewish! (Tony Allen-Mills, Alexandria)

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: The cool thing about museums? Bronze nudity with dignity! (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Bring Trojans to your trysts or toddlers will be fathered through you. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City, N.J.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: I impress nobody except the son of my father. (Tyson Jacobs, Reno, Nev.)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

Dinnerus, innerus / Titus Andronicus / Overindulgences, / Sweetbreads nouvelle.

Dermatocranial / Turnovers yesterday / Cannibal fricassees / always repel.

(Chris Doyle, Burke)

{diam}And the winner of the barf bags printed with excerpts from romance novels:

Bill, the tale you told of "that woman" brought fortune to your arch enemies. Perhaps in later life (as your own journey ignominiously illustrates) nobody elected to state or municipal forums, nationally / internationally, will issue untruths that blatant. The citizenry tolerates ambitious men, but nobody wants deceit. (Jennifer Nelson, Washington)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

Best to tell yourself there's one truth worth being faithful to: yours.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Be true to your tatas or they will be falsies to you. (Steven Alan Honley,

Washington)

Be tender to your turkeys or they will be fowl to you. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

By the time you turn old, the world begins favoring the young. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Better to toss your twentieth Oreo than wrestle bulimia futilely this year.

(Loretta and Kevin d'Eustachio,

Washington)

An exclamation point is like

laughing at your own joke.

Andersen execs pleading innocent look like atheists yea-saying over Jesus. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Attaining excellence perturbs incompetent losers living around you. Overachieve judiciously.

(David Franks, Wichita)

An explained pun is like Levey admiring your overused jests.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Awfully embarrassing: policemen in leather, laughing at your oregano joint. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Always explain policy in lengthy legalese -- avail yourself of jargon.

(John Beetem, Reston)

Artificial eyes placed in lasagna look atrocious, yet oddly jewel- like.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Nasal irrigation = water, indeed, under the bridge. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Nerdiness is wearing ironed underwear to bed. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Nudists invite winged insects up their backsides. (Mary Olson, Springfield)

Nobody in Washington investigates unless Tripp blabs. (Loretta and

Kevin d'Eustachio, Washington)

No indiscretions with interns! (Unless they're bodacious.) (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

If I need enemies, try some of my friends. (Kelli Midgley- Biggs, Columbia)

They call television a medium

because nothing's well done.

Terps' championship teams attract mob behavior, "netting" wanton destruction. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Tragically, cow tippers assault many bovines nestled within dreamland.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

"This champagne's tre{grv}s amusant, mais brut," noted Will dryly. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

The catch to arranged marriages: bald noggins, withering dispositions.

(Mike Genz, La Plata)

Take care to age masterfully, by never wearing Depends. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

The cruel truth about middle-aged broadcasters: Neck wattles = demotion. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock.

Dirt is the aim. Ordinary social news? Dull! Take your chances -- float a rumor! (William Bradford, Washington)

Don't impede the art of sculpture; never doubt that your chisel frees a rock.

(Steven Alan Honley, Washington)

Dear "intern": These are only suggestions: Nod deferentially, take your cigar. Flee all reporters.

(Doug Burns, Falls Church)